After my first c-section I wanted nothing more than to give birth naturally. I thought it was as simple as getting pregnant and going into labor on my own. Do that and I have the key to my natural birth. And then all the hurt I felt over the loss of my birth would diminish.
So the getting pregnant part was easy. Around 9 mos. post partum we found out that we were expecting our second baby! Again we went in to see our dr. and confirm the pregnancy. I went in hoping to discuss how things would go the next time around and how much I couldn't wait to give birth naturally this next time.
"Sorry" I was told. "You can't have a natural birth." "Because your first baby was a c-section you have to have another c-section." I didn't know whether to cry or vomit. I felt like doing both.
My dr. told me that it was called a "VBAC" or "Vaginal Birth After Cesarean" and it was "just too risky", I would be risking my uterus rupturing and my baby dying or me dying or needing a hysterectomy and not being able to have anymore children. I was never told the risks of the c-section, just how nice it would be to plan it and know when my baby would be born. Plus I could schedule the c-section a little before the due date, as if that were a perk. I was led to believe that the c-section was safe. I was led to believe that because it was scheduled it was somehow controlled and risk free.
I left the office feeling crushed and terrified. I only then began to realize at that point that I hated my first cesarean surgery. The thought of not being the first to hold my baby brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of everyone else being there, being the first to hold my baby also angered me. Instinctually I knew that it was me who should be doing that. I was the mom and it was my baby and it struck a jealous chord with me. There was nothing that really appealed to me about scheduling my surgery.
Inquisitive as I am by nature I went home and did a search on vbac. I found that there were moms out there having vbac's. I was confused as to why they could and I couldn't. At my next appointment I found the courage to question my dr. about this. It wasn't easy. My voice shook but I had to follow my instincts. I asked him again why I couldn't give birth naturally. I asked him some other questions about vbac and c-sections and the conversation was very biased against vbac. I recalled being told after my first c-section that I could always try for a natural birth the next time, as if that were some consolation and I mentioned this. Eventually it came out that the hospital policy had been changed since then to not allow vbac. I was very intimidated but I pushed the issue further. I asked how they could possibly enforce that 'rule', and logically thinking I asked what they would do if a mom showed up in labor pushing? He said they would still do the c-section, it was policy. I asked then, 'what if the baby was almost out? It's not like you could push the baby back in?' (this was an innocent question, though it sounds very confrontational) He then admitted that they would just deliver the baby.
I wasn't ready to give up on my hope for a vbac and our dr. mentioned the possibility of seeing another dr. just at the end. This dr. was at a hospital over an hour away--that is without traffic or bad weather. We were due in December so it was very likely that it would be a much longer drive. I had no idea at the time that I could have sought out another dr., one of my choosing and one at a hospital much closer. I only knew that I was on my way to a natural birth. I was told, however, that the baby would need to be smaller and I would have to go into labor on my own. I couldn't go too far past due either.
My baby was due on Dec. 25th. Every appointment with the new dr. went into grave detail about the risks of vbac. Not once were the risks of a c-section mentioned. In all this time, even in the moments preceeding my initial c-section, I was never told of the inherent risks of the surgery. Yet every appointment seemed to go into avid detail outlining the risks of a vbac, as if anyone who were to choose that must be selfish, crazy, or stupid.
On the 19th we saw the other dr one last time and he tried to strip my membranes. I wasn't due for nearly a week and he insisted upon doing this as it "usually helps move things along". He wasn't able to though. I was too high and closed. He told me to have my dr. do it when we went back to see him on Dec. 22. So on the 22, still 3 days before my due date my dr. was able to strip my membranes. It didn't do anything and I had no idea of the risks it involved. I didn't know it could lead to accidentally breaking my water or infections to name a few risks. I just trusted that it would help my body work to get my baby here.
At 4 days overdue I had my membranes stripped again by my dr. We also set up more BPP's (biophysical profiles) and NST's (non-stress tests) to make sure the baby was fine. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for several days. It was actually more of a start stop labor. It would start up late at night and then stop in the morning. That happened for several days until the 30th when I was certain it was not going to stop. I was told to go into the hospital at the first sign of labor so I called my in laws and my FIL drove me to the hospital. My labor stopped on the way. I showed up and was having contractions but they were so mild I could barely feel them. They were 'regular' but because I wasn't screaming in pain coupled with the fact that I lived over an hour away, they recommended augmentation of my labor with pitocin.
Remembering the intensity of the contractions with pitocin I immediately opted for the epidural. I was 3 cm. I had no idea of the risks involved with getting the epidural. I just knew that I couldn't have a repeat of my first labor with pitocin where the hospital didn't even offer epidurals. I also didn't know that I could have just refused the pitocin all together. When I had arrived I was 2-3 cm. I walked the halls and when I returned an hour later I was 4. I was progressing, but apparently not quickly enough? Again I trusted. With the epidural I had no option but to labor and push on my back. The worst combination for a successful vaginal birth. I had no instinct to push and no energy either.
I was being screamed at to push, I wanted to rest. The numerous residents who kept coming in and out of my room and commenting on the risks of vbac were wearing on me. At one point my nurse turned down my epidural completely to help me push, but I didn't know it. I felt pain and everyone screamed 'rupture'. From there I awoke thinking my baby had died. When I asked how she was I was told not to worry. Later my wonderful doula brought her to me. I was told I shouldn't get pregnant again. It was too risky. I was told I had been cut Classically (up and down) the most risky of the incisions. If I were to get pregnant I probably wouldn't carry to term and I would definitely need another c-section. After that a hysterectomy would be needed because women can't have more than 3 c-sections, it's too dangerous.
From there I went home recovering from major surgery with a toddler I couldn't lift for 6 weeks and a newborn who I had again lost out on bonding with. I felt selfish. I hated myself for wanting a vbac when I could have killed myself and my baby. I silently mourned the loss of my natural birth because no one could understand why I wanted it in the first place. And no one could understand why I couldn't just be happy that me and my baby were both alive. I silently mourned and then tried to force myself to get over it. If no one understood then what I was feeling must not be legitimate. I knew only one thing at that point: I was never getting pregnant again.
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