I really think that 'Transition' would be a good title for all the pages of my life. We are all, always changing, moving on, growing, learning. In the past year and a half since I entered a time of "enlightenment" I have not stopped doing all those things when it comes to birth. I've learned to question things and to look for other options. I went from someone who didn't trust birth to one who sees it as a natural process. Like everything in life it has some risk, but the less we intervene or "mess" with it, the less risk we take on. There are instances in which it is good to have the intervention, but it has become clear that the interventions are grossly overused.
And I have become more passionate about this subject than any other I've ever studied or learned. I feel revived, like I've found a new mission. And I've learned more about this, more intensely and deeply than any other subject that I've ever studied.
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Chapter 2: Transition
Yes, like transition this part was a little intense (ok, painful?). In December of 2006 I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked. I had been exclusively breastfeeding and my baby was just around 9 mos. old. I had not gotten a cycle either. I knew it could happen, but thought it was very unlikely.
I believe every baby is a blessing so in spite not ever wanting to be pregnant again I was over joyed. And I realized at that point that my childish claim to never be pregnant again was just a way of saying that I never wanted to go through another terrible labor and delivery, let alone another c-section.
I knew when I had gotten pregnant. I knew when about I was due. And I knew I was pregnant. But again I went into my dr. and had it confirmed. At that first appointment he brought up the risks of being pregnant with the type of incision I had and mentioned how much more risky it would be at the end. He said that I obviously wouldn't be having a vbac because I had been cut classically. He said some people do have vbacs after 2 c-sections, but the risks with a classical incision are too great. He misquoted that 9% of babies die with vbac attempts on classicial incisions.
He said we would be scheduling the surgery at the next visit. Stunned I sat in silence trying to take in the weight of that moment. I would actually know my baby's date of delivery months in advance. At the time that actually sounded o.k. What I didn't want was a repeat of my last vbac attempt and even his mention of vbac brought me to explain how I never wanted that to happen again. I was terrified of all my options.
When we arrived home I immediately began to research elective cesareans. I didn't find much but what I did find helped me to keep looking. I also started making a c-section birth plan including anything I could think of to make the surgery better for bonding with me and my baby. During my research I came across the group "ICAN" the International Cesarean Awareness Network. They do Cesarean education. I had a hard time finding any real info on elective c-section so when I found this group I emailed one of the ICAN leaders in my area with my questions. I told her my back ground and current situation and what my plans were. She emailed me back saying "how do you know that you had a Classic incision?" My thoughts upon reading her response were "what the (insert expletive)!!!"what does she mean how do I know??" "My doctors told me I did, that's how I know!!!" So I emailed her back saying just that "My doctors told me I had a classical incision" She replied again saying "get your records and read them for yourself"
O.K. a lot of good that's going to do, right? So I sent away for them (somewhat spitefully) and meanwhile had another appt. with my regular dr. He told us at that appt. that he was going to be leaving our hospital to go to one closer to his home. The commute was taking a toll on him and he had hoped to move closer, but it just hadn't worked out due to his wife's job. So he was leaving. As if the pregnancy hormones weren't causing enough trouble, now I had to find a new doctor!
We arrived home from that appt. and my records had arrived from my c-section with my second daughter. I read through them trying to decipher the medical lingo and the only words that really made sense were the ones detailing my incision. Where I expected to read incision was made longitudinally, or classically, It instead said "incision was made in a low transverse fashion"
Huh? That means that I had the bikini cut, in the same place as my first. Now I was even more confused. Why had the dr.s, my dr. specifically, told me I was cut classically? It doesn't make sense! Apparently when they realized that I hadn't had a uterine rupture with my vbac attempt(or anything even close to one) the surgeon was able to do the low cut, the safest for future pregnancies.
So, at that point my anxiety about the complications of classic incisions is resolved, but I still don't know what to think about all of this! So I emailed the ICAN lady again. After all, she happened to be the only person who was upfront and honest with me about the situation. I just wanted to know why people had told me I was cut different than I was.
I awaited her reply. At this point I was about 3 months along and still didn't have a new doctor. I continued seeing my regular dr. as he wasn't leaving until July (about a month before I was due). until I could find a new o.b. Then I received a reply back from the ICAN lady loaded with research about vbac. She made certain to point out that the most current and comprehensive research, done by one of the top O.Bs. in the country shows that vbac after 2 cesareans (vba2c) is comparably safe as after 1 cesarean and barring any true complications such as cord prolapse or true pre-eclampsia among the few, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to have a vbac this time around.
OK, but I didn't want a repeat of last time. I didn't want to be knocked out for the delivery. I wanted to see my baby born. All these things running through my mind, but the safety of my baby was my top priority. I knew that whatever my decision was it would be with my and my baby's safety as the #1 concern.
So I did my own research. I wasn't about to take the word of my dr. anymore, and though I hold no hard feelings toward him, I didn't ever go back to his office. I stopped going before he left and after several failed attempts I found an O.B. who was supportive of my vba2c.
And I certainly wasn't going to take the word of some random internet lady. I read everything. The risks of both and what to do to make the vbac successful.
The thing that really weighed on my mind was that the c-section seemed controlled and the easy way. The research really didn't support that thought, so I started reading more on vbac.
I didn't do this at all the first time. I just went into it blindly (I thought I was educated because I knew the rupture rates--HA, in retrospect I know that's not education!!) and ended up with a c-section as a result. I learned from all my reading that there are things to do to make a vaginal birth more likely to be successful and I hadn't done ANY of those things with my first two pregnancies. I was induced with both (technically augmented with #2 as I was in early labor when they gave me the pitocin). I was on my back in bed pushing with both. I went to the hospital WAY to early in labor. I thought I was broken and that my body wouldn't work, that it needed help to work. Each those things significantly increase the liklihood of c-section according to medical studies.
I became determined to do it right this time and I knew that in the end I had to put my trust in God. If something was supposed to happen then it would no matter if I had the c-section or a vaginal birth. But at the same time I wasn't going to enter into this with my eyes closed. God gave me a brain to make decisions with!
So I read everything on natural birth and what interventions to avoid. I learned that induction increased the chance of c-section and other complications. I learned that there was NO need for an induction or pitocin in any labor unless there was a serious medical reason. The reason I was induced for my first was because she was "big" and I was past my due date I read about those things, and learned that neither are a good reason for induction. I also learned that the ultrasound they used to determine size can be off as much as 2 pounds!! And that labors that start on their own even with large babies end in a better result than labors that are induced, statistically. And statistically they end better than c-section.
I learned a lot. I knew that if I had a c-section It would be for a real reason. Not just because. And If it were for a real reason I was fine with that. I was NOT however fine with having one just because.
I had to find a new Dr. and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Most of them just say no in spite of the research. Most of them don't know the research. Others actually fabricated statistics and research--when I asked them if I could see where they were getting their statistics from they were left speechless or fumbling their words. Or they gave me some line about how they were the dr. and I should just trust them.
Eventually I found several who would take me as a patient, and several who were willing to be hands off and let birth be what it was intended to be--no interventions, no pressure, and no scare tactics. The fact is, they were the only ones practicing evidence based medicine, and I wouldn't want a dr. who did anything but.
I knew several people who had good birth experiences at one of the hospitals and decided on the dr. who practiced there. I also toured the birth center and talked to several of the nurses. They said they treated a vbac mom just like any other mom. They were hands off and they didn't treat vbac moms like they were an accident waiting to happen. Fact was, the one nurse said, that in birth things happen and a first time mom is more likely to have complications than a vbac mom. wow! I was amazed!
As my due date approached I actually expected talk of big baby or induction, but during my last appt. on the Monday when I went into labor my dr. said, well, we'll see ya next week! No talk of being over due or anything!
I was so at peace and enjoying my pregnancy that I was actually prepared to go very overdue. But to my surprise, after my last appt. at 2:10 am on the 7th of August baby Sirianna Lee was born by vba2c, She weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces (only a few ounces smaller than My first daugther, whom they told me was "Too Big") and was 19 and a half inches long. 100% natural with only intermittent doppler monitoring (which they did maybe 2 or 3 times and only with my consent--continuous fetal monitoring is another intervention that isn't shown to improve outcomes of mom and baby. What CFM does however is reduces your mobility which is NOT a good thing during labor).
Labor happened so fast I didn't even realize it was real until we were on our way to the hospital! We called my mother-in-law at 12:45 and I almost regretted it...thinking, great, now labor is going to stop, just like it has every night for the last few weeks! (I had been having early, or prodromal labor for about 4 weeks so I really thought that's what this was) It wasn't painful, but I couldn't sleep. The contractions were random but I just felt different...By the time she got to our house (just after 1:00) I realized it was good that we called. the contractions were one on top of the other--30 seconds apart and the only real pattern that I ever had! Our hospital is @ an hour away and as soon as we pulled out of the drive way I realized it had quickly become the real deal!I told hubby on the way that we weren't going to make it to our hospital so he turned off to the hospital that is closer to our house, about 15 min away. That 15 minute drive was the only pain I felt the whole labor, and I had no break between contractions. We pulled in the parking lot and I ran to the door pushing. (I didn't know at the time I was pushing) I felt like I was going to 'go' in my pants so I went in the bathroom right inside the emergency room. I realized then that I was pushing. lol! The L&D nurse realized this and they started rushing around to get me in a room. hubby, who at first was 100% against vbac was so incredibly calm (after much struggle and forcing him to read the research I finally convinced him it around 4 mos. pregnant that was the best way to go) .
It was AMAZING. less than 1 hour from the time I realized it was real and my baby was born the way she was meant to be! And the best part was that in spite the fact that I was a vba2c and not at 'my' hospital no one freaked out!! I didn't have any IV or heplock, no constant monitoring, no pain meds nothing.(of course there was no time for any of this!) I even pushed the only way I felt comfortable--on my knees, hanging over the back of the bed, and no one complained. And I did not tear even though she came flying out! It was crazy and wonderful. I can't even begin to find words to tell how great this was. I was able to touch my baby's head when she was coming out--what motivation for pushing! And pushing was so wonderful! Pushing honestly did not hurt one bit-it actually felt good to push and in between pushing contractions I was able to relax and refocus. I totally pushed to my instincts with no coaching and no one yelling or counting. It was so calm and peaceful! Incredible considering that I had never even been to the hospital before for anything prenatal!
This was how birth should be. It was everything I was hoping for and what I hope for anyone to experience when they experience birth.
It does NOT have to be scary or dramatic. It does NOT have to be poked, prodded, or forced along. It CAN be beautiful, peaceful, and calm.
I learned I am not broken, but the system is. I had to fight for my vba2c and I had to think outside the box. I had to work through what I felt and what I had been through and that was difficult, even painful. I had to convince others around me to show support in spite what they had seen me go through with my first vbac attempt. I had to DO MY RESEARCH and use my own brain and rely on myself to make this happen. But I was also able to rely on some other wonderful people who became the first people to ever speak the truths of birth to me. They said it to me straight, honestly, and without fear. They spoke the truth to protect me from the pain once again. They didn't hold back because they knew I needed to hear it. They knew the only way to protect me from the pain was to help me see the truth, even if the truth hurt. Those people saved me and they know who they are.
I also learned for the first time in my life to put my full trust in God. He sustains and he brought me through the storms and into the light. He was with me through this entire journey. Guiding, guarding, and protecting. He opened my eyes to have ultimate trust in Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...to Him be the glory.
I believe every baby is a blessing so in spite not ever wanting to be pregnant again I was over joyed. And I realized at that point that my childish claim to never be pregnant again was just a way of saying that I never wanted to go through another terrible labor and delivery, let alone another c-section.
I knew when I had gotten pregnant. I knew when about I was due. And I knew I was pregnant. But again I went into my dr. and had it confirmed. At that first appointment he brought up the risks of being pregnant with the type of incision I had and mentioned how much more risky it would be at the end. He said that I obviously wouldn't be having a vbac because I had been cut classically. He said some people do have vbacs after 2 c-sections, but the risks with a classical incision are too great. He misquoted that 9% of babies die with vbac attempts on classicial incisions.
He said we would be scheduling the surgery at the next visit. Stunned I sat in silence trying to take in the weight of that moment. I would actually know my baby's date of delivery months in advance. At the time that actually sounded o.k. What I didn't want was a repeat of my last vbac attempt and even his mention of vbac brought me to explain how I never wanted that to happen again. I was terrified of all my options.
When we arrived home I immediately began to research elective cesareans. I didn't find much but what I did find helped me to keep looking. I also started making a c-section birth plan including anything I could think of to make the surgery better for bonding with me and my baby. During my research I came across the group "ICAN" the International Cesarean Awareness Network. They do Cesarean education. I had a hard time finding any real info on elective c-section so when I found this group I emailed one of the ICAN leaders in my area with my questions. I told her my back ground and current situation and what my plans were. She emailed me back saying "how do you know that you had a Classic incision?" My thoughts upon reading her response were "what the (insert expletive)!!!"what does she mean how do I know??" "My doctors told me I did, that's how I know!!!" So I emailed her back saying just that "My doctors told me I had a classical incision" She replied again saying "get your records and read them for yourself"
O.K. a lot of good that's going to do, right? So I sent away for them (somewhat spitefully) and meanwhile had another appt. with my regular dr. He told us at that appt. that he was going to be leaving our hospital to go to one closer to his home. The commute was taking a toll on him and he had hoped to move closer, but it just hadn't worked out due to his wife's job. So he was leaving. As if the pregnancy hormones weren't causing enough trouble, now I had to find a new doctor!
We arrived home from that appt. and my records had arrived from my c-section with my second daughter. I read through them trying to decipher the medical lingo and the only words that really made sense were the ones detailing my incision. Where I expected to read incision was made longitudinally, or classically, It instead said "incision was made in a low transverse fashion"
Huh? That means that I had the bikini cut, in the same place as my first. Now I was even more confused. Why had the dr.s, my dr. specifically, told me I was cut classically? It doesn't make sense! Apparently when they realized that I hadn't had a uterine rupture with my vbac attempt(or anything even close to one) the surgeon was able to do the low cut, the safest for future pregnancies.
So, at that point my anxiety about the complications of classic incisions is resolved, but I still don't know what to think about all of this! So I emailed the ICAN lady again. After all, she happened to be the only person who was upfront and honest with me about the situation. I just wanted to know why people had told me I was cut different than I was.
I awaited her reply. At this point I was about 3 months along and still didn't have a new doctor. I continued seeing my regular dr. as he wasn't leaving until July (about a month before I was due). until I could find a new o.b. Then I received a reply back from the ICAN lady loaded with research about vbac. She made certain to point out that the most current and comprehensive research, done by one of the top O.Bs. in the country shows that vbac after 2 cesareans (vba2c) is comparably safe as after 1 cesarean and barring any true complications such as cord prolapse or true pre-eclampsia among the few, there is no reason I shouldn't be able to have a vbac this time around.
OK, but I didn't want a repeat of last time. I didn't want to be knocked out for the delivery. I wanted to see my baby born. All these things running through my mind, but the safety of my baby was my top priority. I knew that whatever my decision was it would be with my and my baby's safety as the #1 concern.
So I did my own research. I wasn't about to take the word of my dr. anymore, and though I hold no hard feelings toward him, I didn't ever go back to his office. I stopped going before he left and after several failed attempts I found an O.B. who was supportive of my vba2c.
And I certainly wasn't going to take the word of some random internet lady. I read everything. The risks of both and what to do to make the vbac successful.
The thing that really weighed on my mind was that the c-section seemed controlled and the easy way. The research really didn't support that thought, so I started reading more on vbac.
I didn't do this at all the first time. I just went into it blindly (I thought I was educated because I knew the rupture rates--HA, in retrospect I know that's not education!!) and ended up with a c-section as a result. I learned from all my reading that there are things to do to make a vaginal birth more likely to be successful and I hadn't done ANY of those things with my first two pregnancies. I was induced with both (technically augmented with #2 as I was in early labor when they gave me the pitocin). I was on my back in bed pushing with both. I went to the hospital WAY to early in labor. I thought I was broken and that my body wouldn't work, that it needed help to work. Each those things significantly increase the liklihood of c-section according to medical studies.
I became determined to do it right this time and I knew that in the end I had to put my trust in God. If something was supposed to happen then it would no matter if I had the c-section or a vaginal birth. But at the same time I wasn't going to enter into this with my eyes closed. God gave me a brain to make decisions with!
So I read everything on natural birth and what interventions to avoid. I learned that induction increased the chance of c-section and other complications. I learned that there was NO need for an induction or pitocin in any labor unless there was a serious medical reason. The reason I was induced for my first was because she was "big" and I was past my due date I read about those things, and learned that neither are a good reason for induction. I also learned that the ultrasound they used to determine size can be off as much as 2 pounds!! And that labors that start on their own even with large babies end in a better result than labors that are induced, statistically. And statistically they end better than c-section.
I learned a lot. I knew that if I had a c-section It would be for a real reason. Not just because. And If it were for a real reason I was fine with that. I was NOT however fine with having one just because.
I had to find a new Dr. and let me tell you, it wasn't easy. Most of them just say no in spite of the research. Most of them don't know the research. Others actually fabricated statistics and research--when I asked them if I could see where they were getting their statistics from they were left speechless or fumbling their words. Or they gave me some line about how they were the dr. and I should just trust them.
Eventually I found several who would take me as a patient, and several who were willing to be hands off and let birth be what it was intended to be--no interventions, no pressure, and no scare tactics. The fact is, they were the only ones practicing evidence based medicine, and I wouldn't want a dr. who did anything but.
I knew several people who had good birth experiences at one of the hospitals and decided on the dr. who practiced there. I also toured the birth center and talked to several of the nurses. They said they treated a vbac mom just like any other mom. They were hands off and they didn't treat vbac moms like they were an accident waiting to happen. Fact was, the one nurse said, that in birth things happen and a first time mom is more likely to have complications than a vbac mom. wow! I was amazed!
As my due date approached I actually expected talk of big baby or induction, but during my last appt. on the Monday when I went into labor my dr. said, well, we'll see ya next week! No talk of being over due or anything!
I was so at peace and enjoying my pregnancy that I was actually prepared to go very overdue. But to my surprise, after my last appt. at 2:10 am on the 7th of August baby Sirianna Lee was born by vba2c, She weighed 8 pounds 14 ounces (only a few ounces smaller than My first daugther, whom they told me was "Too Big") and was 19 and a half inches long. 100% natural with only intermittent doppler monitoring (which they did maybe 2 or 3 times and only with my consent--continuous fetal monitoring is another intervention that isn't shown to improve outcomes of mom and baby. What CFM does however is reduces your mobility which is NOT a good thing during labor).
Labor happened so fast I didn't even realize it was real until we were on our way to the hospital! We called my mother-in-law at 12:45 and I almost regretted it...thinking, great, now labor is going to stop, just like it has every night for the last few weeks! (I had been having early, or prodromal labor for about 4 weeks so I really thought that's what this was) It wasn't painful, but I couldn't sleep. The contractions were random but I just felt different...By the time she got to our house (just after 1:00) I realized it was good that we called. the contractions were one on top of the other--30 seconds apart and the only real pattern that I ever had! Our hospital is @ an hour away and as soon as we pulled out of the drive way I realized it had quickly become the real deal!I told hubby on the way that we weren't going to make it to our hospital so he turned off to the hospital that is closer to our house, about 15 min away. That 15 minute drive was the only pain I felt the whole labor, and I had no break between contractions. We pulled in the parking lot and I ran to the door pushing. (I didn't know at the time I was pushing) I felt like I was going to 'go' in my pants so I went in the bathroom right inside the emergency room. I realized then that I was pushing. lol! The L&D nurse realized this and they started rushing around to get me in a room. hubby, who at first was 100% against vbac was so incredibly calm (after much struggle and forcing him to read the research I finally convinced him it around 4 mos. pregnant that was the best way to go) .
It was AMAZING. less than 1 hour from the time I realized it was real and my baby was born the way she was meant to be! And the best part was that in spite the fact that I was a vba2c and not at 'my' hospital no one freaked out!! I didn't have any IV or heplock, no constant monitoring, no pain meds nothing.(of course there was no time for any of this!) I even pushed the only way I felt comfortable--on my knees, hanging over the back of the bed, and no one complained. And I did not tear even though she came flying out! It was crazy and wonderful. I can't even begin to find words to tell how great this was. I was able to touch my baby's head when she was coming out--what motivation for pushing! And pushing was so wonderful! Pushing honestly did not hurt one bit-it actually felt good to push and in between pushing contractions I was able to relax and refocus. I totally pushed to my instincts with no coaching and no one yelling or counting. It was so calm and peaceful! Incredible considering that I had never even been to the hospital before for anything prenatal!
This was how birth should be. It was everything I was hoping for and what I hope for anyone to experience when they experience birth.
It does NOT have to be scary or dramatic. It does NOT have to be poked, prodded, or forced along. It CAN be beautiful, peaceful, and calm.
I learned I am not broken, but the system is. I had to fight for my vba2c and I had to think outside the box. I had to work through what I felt and what I had been through and that was difficult, even painful. I had to convince others around me to show support in spite what they had seen me go through with my first vbac attempt. I had to DO MY RESEARCH and use my own brain and rely on myself to make this happen. But I was also able to rely on some other wonderful people who became the first people to ever speak the truths of birth to me. They said it to me straight, honestly, and without fear. They spoke the truth to protect me from the pain once again. They didn't hold back because they knew I needed to hear it. They knew the only way to protect me from the pain was to help me see the truth, even if the truth hurt. Those people saved me and they know who they are.
I also learned for the first time in my life to put my full trust in God. He sustains and he brought me through the storms and into the light. He was with me through this entire journey. Guiding, guarding, and protecting. He opened my eyes to have ultimate trust in Him. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me...to Him be the glory.
Chapter 1 part 2 "Me Back Then"
After my first c-section I wanted nothing more than to give birth naturally. I thought it was as simple as getting pregnant and going into labor on my own. Do that and I have the key to my natural birth. And then all the hurt I felt over the loss of my birth would diminish.
So the getting pregnant part was easy. Around 9 mos. post partum we found out that we were expecting our second baby! Again we went in to see our dr. and confirm the pregnancy. I went in hoping to discuss how things would go the next time around and how much I couldn't wait to give birth naturally this next time.
"Sorry" I was told. "You can't have a natural birth." "Because your first baby was a c-section you have to have another c-section." I didn't know whether to cry or vomit. I felt like doing both.
My dr. told me that it was called a "VBAC" or "Vaginal Birth After Cesarean" and it was "just too risky", I would be risking my uterus rupturing and my baby dying or me dying or needing a hysterectomy and not being able to have anymore children. I was never told the risks of the c-section, just how nice it would be to plan it and know when my baby would be born. Plus I could schedule the c-section a little before the due date, as if that were a perk. I was led to believe that the c-section was safe. I was led to believe that because it was scheduled it was somehow controlled and risk free.
I left the office feeling crushed and terrified. I only then began to realize at that point that I hated my first cesarean surgery. The thought of not being the first to hold my baby brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of everyone else being there, being the first to hold my baby also angered me. Instinctually I knew that it was me who should be doing that. I was the mom and it was my baby and it struck a jealous chord with me. There was nothing that really appealed to me about scheduling my surgery.
Inquisitive as I am by nature I went home and did a search on vbac. I found that there were moms out there having vbac's. I was confused as to why they could and I couldn't. At my next appointment I found the courage to question my dr. about this. It wasn't easy. My voice shook but I had to follow my instincts. I asked him again why I couldn't give birth naturally. I asked him some other questions about vbac and c-sections and the conversation was very biased against vbac. I recalled being told after my first c-section that I could always try for a natural birth the next time, as if that were some consolation and I mentioned this. Eventually it came out that the hospital policy had been changed since then to not allow vbac. I was very intimidated but I pushed the issue further. I asked how they could possibly enforce that 'rule', and logically thinking I asked what they would do if a mom showed up in labor pushing? He said they would still do the c-section, it was policy. I asked then, 'what if the baby was almost out? It's not like you could push the baby back in?' (this was an innocent question, though it sounds very confrontational) He then admitted that they would just deliver the baby.
I wasn't ready to give up on my hope for a vbac and our dr. mentioned the possibility of seeing another dr. just at the end. This dr. was at a hospital over an hour away--that is without traffic or bad weather. We were due in December so it was very likely that it would be a much longer drive. I had no idea at the time that I could have sought out another dr., one of my choosing and one at a hospital much closer. I only knew that I was on my way to a natural birth. I was told, however, that the baby would need to be smaller and I would have to go into labor on my own. I couldn't go too far past due either.
My baby was due on Dec. 25th. Every appointment with the new dr. went into grave detail about the risks of vbac. Not once were the risks of a c-section mentioned. In all this time, even in the moments preceeding my initial c-section, I was never told of the inherent risks of the surgery. Yet every appointment seemed to go into avid detail outlining the risks of a vbac, as if anyone who were to choose that must be selfish, crazy, or stupid.
On the 19th we saw the other dr one last time and he tried to strip my membranes. I wasn't due for nearly a week and he insisted upon doing this as it "usually helps move things along". He wasn't able to though. I was too high and closed. He told me to have my dr. do it when we went back to see him on Dec. 22. So on the 22, still 3 days before my due date my dr. was able to strip my membranes. It didn't do anything and I had no idea of the risks it involved. I didn't know it could lead to accidentally breaking my water or infections to name a few risks. I just trusted that it would help my body work to get my baby here.
At 4 days overdue I had my membranes stripped again by my dr. We also set up more BPP's (biophysical profiles) and NST's (non-stress tests) to make sure the baby was fine. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for several days. It was actually more of a start stop labor. It would start up late at night and then stop in the morning. That happened for several days until the 30th when I was certain it was not going to stop. I was told to go into the hospital at the first sign of labor so I called my in laws and my FIL drove me to the hospital. My labor stopped on the way. I showed up and was having contractions but they were so mild I could barely feel them. They were 'regular' but because I wasn't screaming in pain coupled with the fact that I lived over an hour away, they recommended augmentation of my labor with pitocin.
Remembering the intensity of the contractions with pitocin I immediately opted for the epidural. I was 3 cm. I had no idea of the risks involved with getting the epidural. I just knew that I couldn't have a repeat of my first labor with pitocin where the hospital didn't even offer epidurals. I also didn't know that I could have just refused the pitocin all together. When I had arrived I was 2-3 cm. I walked the halls and when I returned an hour later I was 4. I was progressing, but apparently not quickly enough? Again I trusted. With the epidural I had no option but to labor and push on my back. The worst combination for a successful vaginal birth. I had no instinct to push and no energy either.
I was being screamed at to push, I wanted to rest. The numerous residents who kept coming in and out of my room and commenting on the risks of vbac were wearing on me. At one point my nurse turned down my epidural completely to help me push, but I didn't know it. I felt pain and everyone screamed 'rupture'. From there I awoke thinking my baby had died. When I asked how she was I was told not to worry. Later my wonderful doula brought her to me. I was told I shouldn't get pregnant again. It was too risky. I was told I had been cut Classically (up and down) the most risky of the incisions. If I were to get pregnant I probably wouldn't carry to term and I would definitely need another c-section. After that a hysterectomy would be needed because women can't have more than 3 c-sections, it's too dangerous.
From there I went home recovering from major surgery with a toddler I couldn't lift for 6 weeks and a newborn who I had again lost out on bonding with. I felt selfish. I hated myself for wanting a vbac when I could have killed myself and my baby. I silently mourned the loss of my natural birth because no one could understand why I wanted it in the first place. And no one could understand why I couldn't just be happy that me and my baby were both alive. I silently mourned and then tried to force myself to get over it. If no one understood then what I was feeling must not be legitimate. I knew only one thing at that point: I was never getting pregnant again.
So the getting pregnant part was easy. Around 9 mos. post partum we found out that we were expecting our second baby! Again we went in to see our dr. and confirm the pregnancy. I went in hoping to discuss how things would go the next time around and how much I couldn't wait to give birth naturally this next time.
"Sorry" I was told. "You can't have a natural birth." "Because your first baby was a c-section you have to have another c-section." I didn't know whether to cry or vomit. I felt like doing both.
My dr. told me that it was called a "VBAC" or "Vaginal Birth After Cesarean" and it was "just too risky", I would be risking my uterus rupturing and my baby dying or me dying or needing a hysterectomy and not being able to have anymore children. I was never told the risks of the c-section, just how nice it would be to plan it and know when my baby would be born. Plus I could schedule the c-section a little before the due date, as if that were a perk. I was led to believe that the c-section was safe. I was led to believe that because it was scheduled it was somehow controlled and risk free.
I left the office feeling crushed and terrified. I only then began to realize at that point that I hated my first cesarean surgery. The thought of not being the first to hold my baby brought tears to my eyes. Thinking of everyone else being there, being the first to hold my baby also angered me. Instinctually I knew that it was me who should be doing that. I was the mom and it was my baby and it struck a jealous chord with me. There was nothing that really appealed to me about scheduling my surgery.
Inquisitive as I am by nature I went home and did a search on vbac. I found that there were moms out there having vbac's. I was confused as to why they could and I couldn't. At my next appointment I found the courage to question my dr. about this. It wasn't easy. My voice shook but I had to follow my instincts. I asked him again why I couldn't give birth naturally. I asked him some other questions about vbac and c-sections and the conversation was very biased against vbac. I recalled being told after my first c-section that I could always try for a natural birth the next time, as if that were some consolation and I mentioned this. Eventually it came out that the hospital policy had been changed since then to not allow vbac. I was very intimidated but I pushed the issue further. I asked how they could possibly enforce that 'rule', and logically thinking I asked what they would do if a mom showed up in labor pushing? He said they would still do the c-section, it was policy. I asked then, 'what if the baby was almost out? It's not like you could push the baby back in?' (this was an innocent question, though it sounds very confrontational) He then admitted that they would just deliver the baby.
I wasn't ready to give up on my hope for a vbac and our dr. mentioned the possibility of seeing another dr. just at the end. This dr. was at a hospital over an hour away--that is without traffic or bad weather. We were due in December so it was very likely that it would be a much longer drive. I had no idea at the time that I could have sought out another dr., one of my choosing and one at a hospital much closer. I only knew that I was on my way to a natural birth. I was told, however, that the baby would need to be smaller and I would have to go into labor on my own. I couldn't go too far past due either.
My baby was due on Dec. 25th. Every appointment with the new dr. went into grave detail about the risks of vbac. Not once were the risks of a c-section mentioned. In all this time, even in the moments preceeding my initial c-section, I was never told of the inherent risks of the surgery. Yet every appointment seemed to go into avid detail outlining the risks of a vbac, as if anyone who were to choose that must be selfish, crazy, or stupid.
On the 19th we saw the other dr one last time and he tried to strip my membranes. I wasn't due for nearly a week and he insisted upon doing this as it "usually helps move things along". He wasn't able to though. I was too high and closed. He told me to have my dr. do it when we went back to see him on Dec. 22. So on the 22, still 3 days before my due date my dr. was able to strip my membranes. It didn't do anything and I had no idea of the risks it involved. I didn't know it could lead to accidentally breaking my water or infections to name a few risks. I just trusted that it would help my body work to get my baby here.
At 4 days overdue I had my membranes stripped again by my dr. We also set up more BPP's (biophysical profiles) and NST's (non-stress tests) to make sure the baby was fine. I had been having braxton hicks contractions for several days. It was actually more of a start stop labor. It would start up late at night and then stop in the morning. That happened for several days until the 30th when I was certain it was not going to stop. I was told to go into the hospital at the first sign of labor so I called my in laws and my FIL drove me to the hospital. My labor stopped on the way. I showed up and was having contractions but they were so mild I could barely feel them. They were 'regular' but because I wasn't screaming in pain coupled with the fact that I lived over an hour away, they recommended augmentation of my labor with pitocin.
Remembering the intensity of the contractions with pitocin I immediately opted for the epidural. I was 3 cm. I had no idea of the risks involved with getting the epidural. I just knew that I couldn't have a repeat of my first labor with pitocin where the hospital didn't even offer epidurals. I also didn't know that I could have just refused the pitocin all together. When I had arrived I was 2-3 cm. I walked the halls and when I returned an hour later I was 4. I was progressing, but apparently not quickly enough? Again I trusted. With the epidural I had no option but to labor and push on my back. The worst combination for a successful vaginal birth. I had no instinct to push and no energy either.
I was being screamed at to push, I wanted to rest. The numerous residents who kept coming in and out of my room and commenting on the risks of vbac were wearing on me. At one point my nurse turned down my epidural completely to help me push, but I didn't know it. I felt pain and everyone screamed 'rupture'. From there I awoke thinking my baby had died. When I asked how she was I was told not to worry. Later my wonderful doula brought her to me. I was told I shouldn't get pregnant again. It was too risky. I was told I had been cut Classically (up and down) the most risky of the incisions. If I were to get pregnant I probably wouldn't carry to term and I would definitely need another c-section. After that a hysterectomy would be needed because women can't have more than 3 c-sections, it's too dangerous.
From there I went home recovering from major surgery with a toddler I couldn't lift for 6 weeks and a newborn who I had again lost out on bonding with. I felt selfish. I hated myself for wanting a vbac when I could have killed myself and my baby. I silently mourned the loss of my natural birth because no one could understand why I wanted it in the first place. And no one could understand why I couldn't just be happy that me and my baby were both alive. I silently mourned and then tried to force myself to get over it. If no one understood then what I was feeling must not be legitimate. I knew only one thing at that point: I was never getting pregnant again.
Chapter 1 Part 1 "Me Back Then"
I was pregnant with my first baby. I took an at home test, but wouldn't have needed to because in my soul I knew that life was growing, I could feel it. Excited about our baby I called the hospital in town and set up an appointment with the first doctor who was available. Even though I knew I was pregnant I somehow doubted myself the moment I walked through the doors for that first appointment. Part of me was waiting for them to tell me I was wrong. Part of me expected them to say I didn't do the test right or something and I wasn't really pregnant. I doubted myself.
Then they confirmed it and I finally let myself believe I was carrying a baby. For the next few months I went in to my appointments on time and schedule. I read my "What To Expect" religiously checking the milestones of each month and comparing my tummy to the ones in the pictures. I had my 20 week ultrasound as a matter of routine and eagerly awaited the end of pregnancy so I could meet my little baby. We weren't finding out boy or girl so we picked names "Hunter" or "Maria".
I had my shower and set up all the baby items along with the crib, changing table, and loads of other baby items as if it were necessary to have these things to make my baby somehow more real. Towards the end my tummy started measuring larger than the number of weeks pregnant I was and the dr. got worried. Around 34 weeks I was measuring right on. At 35 weeks I had a vaginal exam and the dr. told me that the 'braxton hicks' contractions were 'working' because I was dilated.
At 6 days overdue I was having non-stress tests done to determine if they were going to induce me. I had no idea what that meant or even what the tests were 'looking for'. I was certain I would go into labor on my own. But part of me had no idea what to expect. I felt broken already, like I should have been in labor by now. They gave me a due date and I couldn't even get my baby out by then. People kept calling to see if baby was born yet, and I was getting anxious. I wasn't enjoying the end of my pregnancy because I thought something was wrong because I wasn't in labor yet. I felt like a failure.
At 8 days overdue I had another test. Everything was perfect, but the dr. said baby was possibly too big. I had no idea what that meant, except that I was going to be induced. I felt like I was just along for the ride, doing what I was told and never really understanding what was being done. I had no idea what risks induction carried. I had no idea that ultrasounds were notoriously inaccurate for determining size of baby. I had no idea what I wanted any more, or that my hope for a natural birth was on it's way out the window.
At 9 days overdue I arrived as scheduled and was hooked to machines and strapped to monitors and poked with needles and the induction was begun. What started at 6:00 am ended at just after 6:00 pm with an incision in my belly to remove my baby. I had labored on my back, pushed on my back, allowed them to break my water, and convince me that my baby would never come out on her own. Then as I lay in the recovery tired and drugged everyone else was bonding with my baby.
I don't remember the first time I saw her. I don't remember trying to breastfeed her. I don't remember what I felt but I was so relieved that she was ok. I was told my baby was too big to fit out--9lb 3 oz. and there was no way she would have come out on her own, the c-section saved our lives. Thank God.
What I didn't know back then was that the induction, pushing on my back, laboring on my back, artificially breaking my water, and the other interventions are what caused my c-section. Not my baby's size. I had no medical conditions. I had no reason to need an induction. Yet I was convinced that I needed one under the guise of protecting me and my baby. But the ultimate result was a major surgery that put us both at greater risk.
The me back then trusted every word that led me down the path of what was an avoidable and unnecessary surgery. I trusted my doctor. I liked my doctor. But every recommendation went against what was truly safe for me and my baby. If only I had known then what I know now.
Then they confirmed it and I finally let myself believe I was carrying a baby. For the next few months I went in to my appointments on time and schedule. I read my "What To Expect" religiously checking the milestones of each month and comparing my tummy to the ones in the pictures. I had my 20 week ultrasound as a matter of routine and eagerly awaited the end of pregnancy so I could meet my little baby. We weren't finding out boy or girl so we picked names "Hunter" or "Maria".
I had my shower and set up all the baby items along with the crib, changing table, and loads of other baby items as if it were necessary to have these things to make my baby somehow more real. Towards the end my tummy started measuring larger than the number of weeks pregnant I was and the dr. got worried. Around 34 weeks I was measuring right on. At 35 weeks I had a vaginal exam and the dr. told me that the 'braxton hicks' contractions were 'working' because I was dilated.
At 6 days overdue I was having non-stress tests done to determine if they were going to induce me. I had no idea what that meant or even what the tests were 'looking for'. I was certain I would go into labor on my own. But part of me had no idea what to expect. I felt broken already, like I should have been in labor by now. They gave me a due date and I couldn't even get my baby out by then. People kept calling to see if baby was born yet, and I was getting anxious. I wasn't enjoying the end of my pregnancy because I thought something was wrong because I wasn't in labor yet. I felt like a failure.
At 8 days overdue I had another test. Everything was perfect, but the dr. said baby was possibly too big. I had no idea what that meant, except that I was going to be induced. I felt like I was just along for the ride, doing what I was told and never really understanding what was being done. I had no idea what risks induction carried. I had no idea that ultrasounds were notoriously inaccurate for determining size of baby. I had no idea what I wanted any more, or that my hope for a natural birth was on it's way out the window.
At 9 days overdue I arrived as scheduled and was hooked to machines and strapped to monitors and poked with needles and the induction was begun. What started at 6:00 am ended at just after 6:00 pm with an incision in my belly to remove my baby. I had labored on my back, pushed on my back, allowed them to break my water, and convince me that my baby would never come out on her own. Then as I lay in the recovery tired and drugged everyone else was bonding with my baby.
I don't remember the first time I saw her. I don't remember trying to breastfeed her. I don't remember what I felt but I was so relieved that she was ok. I was told my baby was too big to fit out--9lb 3 oz. and there was no way she would have come out on her own, the c-section saved our lives. Thank God.
What I didn't know back then was that the induction, pushing on my back, laboring on my back, artificially breaking my water, and the other interventions are what caused my c-section. Not my baby's size. I had no medical conditions. I had no reason to need an induction. Yet I was convinced that I needed one under the guise of protecting me and my baby. But the ultimate result was a major surgery that put us both at greater risk.
The me back then trusted every word that led me down the path of what was an avoidable and unnecessary surgery. I trusted my doctor. I liked my doctor. But every recommendation went against what was truly safe for me and my baby. If only I had known then what I know now.
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