Chapter 1 Part 1 "Me Back Then"

I was pregnant with my first baby. I took an at home test, but wouldn't have needed to because in my soul I knew that life was growing, I could feel it. Excited about our baby I called the hospital in town and set up an appointment with the first doctor who was available. Even though I knew I was pregnant I somehow doubted myself the moment I walked through the doors for that first appointment. Part of me was waiting for them to tell me I was wrong. Part of me expected them to say I didn't do the test right or something and I wasn't really pregnant. I doubted myself.

Then they confirmed it and I finally let myself believe I was carrying a baby. For the next few months I went in to my appointments on time and schedule. I read my "What To Expect" religiously checking the milestones of each month and comparing my tummy to the ones in the pictures. I had my 20 week ultrasound as a matter of routine and eagerly awaited the end of pregnancy so I could meet my little baby. We weren't finding out boy or girl so we picked names "Hunter" or "Maria".

I had my shower and set up all the baby items along with the crib, changing table, and loads of other baby items as if it were necessary to have these things to make my baby somehow more real. Towards the end my tummy started measuring larger than the number of weeks pregnant I was and the dr. got worried. Around 34 weeks I was measuring right on. At 35 weeks I had a vaginal exam and the dr. told me that the 'braxton hicks' contractions were 'working' because I was dilated.

At 6 days overdue I was having non-stress tests done to determine if they were going to induce me. I had no idea what that meant or even what the tests were 'looking for'. I was certain I would go into labor on my own. But part of me had no idea what to expect. I felt broken already, like I should have been in labor by now. They gave me a due date and I couldn't even get my baby out by then. People kept calling to see if baby was born yet, and I was getting anxious. I wasn't enjoying the end of my pregnancy because I thought something was wrong because I wasn't in labor yet. I felt like a failure.

At 8 days overdue I had another test. Everything was perfect, but the dr. said baby was possibly too big. I had no idea what that meant, except that I was going to be induced. I felt like I was just along for the ride, doing what I was told and never really understanding what was being done. I had no idea what risks induction carried. I had no idea that ultrasounds were notoriously inaccurate for determining size of baby. I had no idea what I wanted any more, or that my hope for a natural birth was on it's way out the window.

At 9 days overdue I arrived as scheduled and was hooked to machines and strapped to monitors and poked with needles and the induction was begun. What started at 6:00 am ended at just after 6:00 pm with an incision in my belly to remove my baby. I had labored on my back, pushed on my back, allowed them to break my water, and convince me that my baby would never come out on her own. Then as I lay in the recovery tired and drugged everyone else was bonding with my baby.

I don't remember the first time I saw her. I don't remember trying to breastfeed her. I don't remember what I felt but I was so relieved that she was ok. I was told my baby was too big to fit out--9lb 3 oz. and there was no way she would have come out on her own, the c-section saved our lives. Thank God.

What I didn't know back then was that the induction, pushing on my back, laboring on my back, artificially breaking my water, and the other interventions are what caused my c-section. Not my baby's size. I had no medical conditions. I had no reason to need an induction. Yet I was convinced that I needed one under the guise of protecting me and my baby. But the ultimate result was a major surgery that put us both at greater risk.

The me back then trusted every word that led me down the path of what was an avoidable and unnecessary surgery. I trusted my doctor. I liked my doctor. But every recommendation went against what was truly safe for me and my baby. If only I had known then what I know now.